Just When You Need to Look For Hope This Christmas

Once before I saw a lady in the bus seated all by herself by the window- she looked so sad and her eyes weepy. I wondered what could be troubling her? After I looked at her, I switched direction and concluded that after all, it's not my business. I didn't even know her. That scene happened again, just yesterday. But this time, it's me who's looking so far away. It's like a case of déjà vu but the moment was real; clinging close to my chest; immersing me right into the moment. In as much as I didn't want to cry, tears were streaming down my cheeks; uncontrollably, silently, and shamelessly covering my face that I felt like it's so inappropriate at this time of the year to be crying. I should be happy, right?... Well, I can choose to be happy but at that moment in the bus, something within me just can't stop from expressing what I was feeling deep down into the very chambers of my heart. Once I was already aware that I was riding the bus and there were strangers around me, I quickly wiped the tears away with my favourite scarf that's been keeping me warm and cozy all throughout that cold afternoon. I tried to stiffen up a lip as if everything's just fine. Hopefully, everything will just be fine.

When I took off the bus in the heart of downtown Winnipeg, I was already walking in the midst of a myriad of different people. I can feel the happiness ensuing in the many shopping bags they were holding for Christmas but the sense of sadness was so strong; it's like it's floating in the air that I can almost grasp it with my hand but it's invisible. Why would I care to grasp it? Sadness is surely one thing that I wouldn't want to hold on to; but sometimes, it’s just there and it helps to acknowledge it.

People are so busy buying gifts for themselves and for their loved ones, and I already did my share, too. I'm glad that I've done my shopping already, at least I only have my hubby and two wonderful angels (and some friends), to give gifts to. Christmas cards were already given out and the 'joy' of Christmas is building up- I simply can't wait for it, and go about with our family tradition of baking our ever favourite fresh apple pie topped with ice-cream, some baked goodies, and cooking up some fave dishes for the season. As I think about these things, I feel happy and so blessed to have a family of my own- even though we're living far away from our parents and siblings, who would also want to be around us at this time of the year. Every single thing that we hear about this season from the people we love is good; but what if the news that you hear about yourself isn't?... How will you take it?... How will you react to it?... How can you explain it to the people you love? Will you simply deny it and go about with the merry-making of the holidays? Somehow, it's still there lingering in your thoughts. It's something that needs to be dealt with. How you handle it, really counts.

I have gone through personal tragedies in my life that I know how it feels to be in such situations. In return, my compassion for others who are suffering in a similar situation or feeling the same things that I've felt or have been feeling, simply increases.

These past two years of being a full-time student have given me the opportunity to be young again as a student who's flocked with other happy people who are so full of life and whose dreams and hopes for the future are something that you can almost touch. Frankly, it's like magic. But what makes me different from them is my load of responsibilities as a homemaker, a wife, and as a parent. Despite of my obligations, I am so blessed to have a husband who is so supportive. He's the one wearing the apron now so I can concentrate on being a student and attend to the rigours and demands of my full-time program. How could my life be possible without him? I simply couldn't imagine.

My coming back to school is not in vain but it's out of need. I already have my degree long time ago but I needed to upgrade myself so I can get a better job; not for me, but for my family. Like other parents, I have dreams for my family and for my children who also look up to me. It's also my responsibility to give them a better future and so I sacrificed my time with them; the many moments when they had their field trips when I should have been around to show my support, or in other activities which I used to attend to, before coming back to school but just possibly can't.

Our set-up now is just temporary, I know; and we just have a few more months to go before school is over. I know that I'm close to achieving my goal and I can almost feel it. The grades I got (most of it are As and one course is an A+) is something I am proud of not because I've 'achieved it' but because it's a reflection of our sacrifices as a family. It's the kind of teamwork that we've been doing since I started school in 2009. I can almost smile now because my late nights are paying off. The short sleeps I have (5 hours at the most) and some nights, I didn't get to sleep at all didn't happen for no reason. Whatever little successes I have as a result of my studies is a symbol of endurance and the unending support and understanding of my two little girls, who would often try to understand and comprehend, "Why does mommy have to go to school again?"... in their young minds, they know that I am doing this for them and not for myself.

We have our hopes and dreams as a family, and I have my own hopes and dreams for my own children but when the results came out that the possibility that it recurs again, (just a few days away from Christmas) is something that I need to put into perspective now. Once again, I have to look for that bright light that has been leading me all these years. It's hard to take but I am coping. I have been a survivor once (or have been a survivor in many instances) and I know that deep within, this is no time to give up. I have a semester to go and I'm close to getting my diploma; I have an art event coming up and I know that countless of homeless people (who are genuinely in need) will surely benefit from this event; I still hope to get a good PR job in the near future and will be happy to be working with great people; I still hope to have that much-awaited vacation with my family who's been beside me all these years.

Life still goes on, and I choose to be happy. How ironic it is that my event is called "Colours of Hope," but I am one person who has so much hope to share (and who is in need of hope at this time). But now since it's Christmas, it is my prayer to have many fruitful years ahead of me so I can be part of that hope for others to take.